No. 1) Take a Break - Guided Meditations for Stress Relief
From: The Meditation Oasis
FREE for iPad and iPhone
Features: two short guided meditations for relaxation and stress relief
Optional music or nature sounds
Soothing female voice
Helpful instructions to help you get the most out of the app.
This app includes two short meditations, ideal for incorporating into your work day for optimum productivity and health. The first guided meditation is 7min long. It gives you the opportunity to stop between tasks, or break up long tasks throughout the day to acknowledge and attend to what is going on in your mind and body on a personal level. This meditation will help you let go of tension in your body and return to the day refreshed. The second guided meditation is a 13min practice designed to help you relax more deeply and release stress when you are feeling under pressure. Frequent short meditations are going to have a more lasting effect than infrequent long meditations and for this reason, this is my favourite so far. Because of their length, these short 'guided' breaks are perfect for incorporating stress reduction into your daily routine. If you are new to meditation I strongly recommend reading the instructions which will encourage you to relax your expectations and let the instructions was over you without worrying about doing it right or wrong. Although 7min doesn't sound like a long time, it is very difficult to sit still and observe your thoughts and feelings without aborting the practice to do something. With practice, 'just being' will become easier.
No. 2) Stress Check
FREE research-based stress analysis
For iPad and iPhone
by AIIR Consulting LLC
Optional stress management tools (0.69p each)
Stress Tracker: the app stores your results so you can track your stress levels over time
This app analyses your responses to a series of multi-choice questions. It is then able to determine where your stress vulnerabilities lie. You could be vulnerable to stress in four different areas of your life, control (whether or not you feel in control of yourself), situational (stressful life circumstances), interpersonal (in your relationships with other people), or physiological (when stress impacts your body). This app will be able to offer personalised recommendations for reducing stress, based on your responses and the areas where you score highly. The analysis is FREE, and there are optional add-ons for £0.69p (Guided Relaxations (4) and Office Yoga Videos). These can be added to the app as part of your commitment to stress reduction. Although people can tell whether stress is a problem for them or not, the insight offered by this FREE analysis tool allows one to take the first steps toward better stress management by identifying areas for improvement and confirming your self-diagnosis. The recommendations and don't simply promote the stress management tools by AIIR Consulting, but are genuinely helpful.
No. 3) Stress Free Lite "Be Stress Free Fast"
by A New Day Counseling Center
FREE for iPad and iPhone
Instruction in the Emotional Freedom Technique
Step by step instructions to reduce stress
Diagrams of key meridian points to compliment the instructions
This is a hands on stress reduction technique. In 5 simple steps you can learn how to reduce your stress levels by gently tapping or applying a circular motion to key points on your face (temples, forehead etc). This is an empowering little app that allows you to adopt a technique which is traditionally employed by complimentary therapists to good effect. I have tried this technique today in combination with the Take a Break meditations (no. 1) above and spaced throughout the day they did an excellent job at reducing my stress levels. Instead of finding something else to keep me busy and blocking out the increased tension in my body and mood I was able to make space for my personal experience of mind and body, and then return to my day refreshed.
Wednesday 31 August 2011
Don't jump to the rescue, practice being self aware
The reason I feel qualified to comment on this, is that the impulse to 'help' and 'fix' is something I struggle with. For me, it is an involuntary impulse, and I have learnt the hard way that it can back-fire. In learning to recognise what is going on, I have been able to make better choices about how I offer people support.
There is nothing wrong with wanting to fix a problem, or wanting rescue a person from a difficult and distressing situation. Compassion is a human quality we would all do well to practice. But we also need to let uncomfortable feelings be without pushing them away and trying to turn them into something else straight away.
There is nothing wrong with wanting to fix a problem, or wanting rescue a person from a difficult and distressing situation. Compassion is a human quality we would all do well to practice. But we also need to let uncomfortable feelings be without pushing them away and trying to turn them into something else straight away.
According to my Mindfulness teacher we generally react to experience in one of three ways:
- with indifference - we simply switch 'channels' in our minds
- with attachment - wanting to hold on to the present or a preferred experience
- aversion - wanting to be rid of the present circumstance or to avoid impending experiences
The impulse to 'rescue' or 'fix' is an aversion reaction. It is a normal, and understandable to react this way, but it's counterproductive (click here to read why).
To really help someone you need to notice your thoughts and feelings and let them be, without acting upon them automatically or letting them steal your attention away from the person you want to help. It's easier said than done, but it's never too late to start practicing.
To really help someone you need to notice your thoughts and feelings and let them be, without acting upon them automatically or letting them steal your attention away from the person you want to help. It's easier said than done, but it's never too late to start practicing.
1. Notice the impulse to fix it.
Bring a gentle curiosity to the following questions:
When you are trying to fix it, what are your thoughts and feelings? Where is your attention? What is happening in your body? Acknowledge what you find, and let it be, as it is.
When you are trying to fix it, what are your thoughts and feelings? Where is your attention? What is happening in your body? Acknowledge what you find, and let it be, as it is.
I notice my mind starts racing, I wrack my brains for something I can do to fix it. ("Do something.", "Make it better!", "How can I change this?") There is a sense of urgency, and my eyes leave the persons face as my thoughts go this way and that seeking a solution. At this point I stop giving my full attention to the person, I stop listening and responding to what is going on. I start feeling downright stressed.
2. Let go of the idea you should be able to fix this.
Only when we give ourselves permission to let go of the idea that we "have to" and "should" fix it, can we choose a response without being personally invested in the role of "fixer".
When I notice the impulse to fix it I remind myself that I shouldn't assume that it's my responsibility to make everything better. I notice and acknowledge the pressure I am placing on myself and allow myself to let it go. My body, previously coiled to spring into action; my thoughts previously restless and seeking a solution to aim for; both relax. I stop striving for a view of how I can take this person far away from what they are experiencing here and now.
Being Supportive
When we let go of the assumption that we should be the person to make it all better, we are in a position to provide emotional support for the people who are finding life hard. You might not be able to save them from the situation, but you can at least give them some of what they need. I am not party to the specifics of your situation but there are two fundamental things that a person wants when they are having trouble, whatever the situation. These are the knowledge that someone cares, and the experience of being listened to.
Being Supportive
When we let go of the assumption that we should be the person to make it all better, we are in a position to provide emotional support for the people who are finding life hard. You might not be able to save them from the situation, but you can at least give them some of what they need. I am not party to the specifics of your situation but there are two fundamental things that a person wants when they are having trouble, whatever the situation. These are the knowledge that someone cares, and the experience of being listened to.
Being Supportive
What are the fundamentals of supporting and helping someone, and what are the obstacles? I strongly feel that emotional support; the "being there", is the most important aspect of being supportive because it is universally applicable, regardless of what sort of distress is being experienced. But emotional support is perhaps undervalued because you don't feel like you're doing anything to make things better. This post is a follow-on from my earlier post about the dangers of trying too hard to "fix it". Because you may well say, "how do I help, if I don't react to the impulse to fix it?"
Well, first of all you can rest assured that if it is within your power to help, you will help. There is no need to push and strive towards that point, because all that will do is stress you out. This is easier said than done, but reading this post might help.
Once you have let go of the pressure to jump to the rescue you can focus your attention on "being there" and providing emotional support if that is genuinely what you want to do. The most important thing is for the person to feel safe talking to you. Make plenty of room for whatever the person is experiencing so they can "just be", as they are, with their predicament at that moment. To create this space between you, give the person your full attention; listen attentively and compassionately; and resist the urge to interrupt with your own interpretations and personal comparisons. Try to acknowledge what is being said to demonstrate that you have heard. I can't claim to be an expert at this yet, but I am getting lots of practice!
It may also help to remember that you could be the only person with whom they can talk openly and feel heard, and the power of this should not be underestimated. It is only when a person feels heard that they feel valued, and it is only when a person feels safe, that emotional healing after (a shock or upsetting experience) can take place.
After listening to the person, the second thing to do is look for resources. Sources of information, sources of support, manageable steps that can be taken together or independently to promote a sense of wellbeing or empower them.
Where a person feels alone and overwhelmed by their predicament it is probably more effective to find something that can be embarked on together. It is important to look for resources that are going to be just right for the person and their predicament. In our desire to fix things, and in the absence of 'the right thing' we may find ourselves trying to force a square peg in a round hole!
In the comments below this post I would love it if you shared your experience of a time where you felt supported. What it was about the way the person listened, and responded that made the difference?
Where a person feels alone and overwhelmed by their predicament it is probably more effective to find something that can be embarked on together. It is important to look for resources that are going to be just right for the person and their predicament. In our desire to fix things, and in the absence of 'the right thing' we may find ourselves trying to force a square peg in a round hole!
In the comments below this post I would love it if you shared your experience of a time where you felt supported. What it was about the way the person listened, and responded that made the difference?
The dangers of trying to fix it
My life experience and observations suggest that when someone is having a hard time in their life, and they tell you, the most helpful thing you can do is listen, and demonstrate you have heard what they have said.
The danger of wanting to fix it for them is that can be too hasty, we stop listening to the person we want to help and start listening to our own dialogue. By focusing on the actions we might take to 'rescue' the person, we loose sight of the person we want to help and what they actually need.
It appears that the automatic assumption people make is that we can make other people happy, and make other people better. Although we can have a positive impact on peoples lives, at some point this became an all encompassing and unrealistic generalisation about our responsibility towards others. Nobody can take full responsibility for another persons health and happiness. But out of love, compassion or care, we try. And if we are not careful we start acting on the automatic assumption that we can and "should" fix it. But if we can't find a solution that works, we feel like we have failed. We hurt our own feelings by setting ourselves up for a fall! Or, if we are unwilling to accept our limitations as wife, mother, doctor, or friend, we blame the person we were trying to help for not responding in the way that we wanted. By this point we are so wrapped up in the role of fixer we have lost sight of the person we were trying to help.
It is also worth reflecting on the fact that 'to rescue' is to assume control. Someone who needs rescuing is someone who can't help themselves. Bearing this in mind, it is usually best to find a way to empower the person, rather than take away their control by assuming the responsibility for making things better.
If you recognise the 'fix-it'/rescue response in yourself or someone you know, please feel free to share your experiences in the comments section.
The danger of wanting to fix it for them is that can be too hasty, we stop listening to the person we want to help and start listening to our own dialogue. By focusing on the actions we might take to 'rescue' the person, we loose sight of the person we want to help and what they actually need.
It appears that the automatic assumption people make is that we can make other people happy, and make other people better. Although we can have a positive impact on peoples lives, at some point this became an all encompassing and unrealistic generalisation about our responsibility towards others. Nobody can take full responsibility for another persons health and happiness. But out of love, compassion or care, we try. And if we are not careful we start acting on the automatic assumption that we can and "should" fix it. But if we can't find a solution that works, we feel like we have failed. We hurt our own feelings by setting ourselves up for a fall! Or, if we are unwilling to accept our limitations as wife, mother, doctor, or friend, we blame the person we were trying to help for not responding in the way that we wanted. By this point we are so wrapped up in the role of fixer we have lost sight of the person we were trying to help.
It is also worth reflecting on the fact that 'to rescue' is to assume control. Someone who needs rescuing is someone who can't help themselves. Bearing this in mind, it is usually best to find a way to empower the person, rather than take away their control by assuming the responsibility for making things better.
If you recognise the 'fix-it'/rescue response in yourself or someone you know, please feel free to share your experiences in the comments section.
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