Wednesday 31 August 2011

The dangers of trying to fix it

My life experience and observations suggest that when someone is having a hard time in their life, and they tell you, the most helpful thing you can do is listen, and demonstrate you have heard what they have said.

The danger of wanting to fix it for them is that can be too hasty, we stop listening to the person we want to help and start listening to our own dialogue. By focusing on the actions we might take to 'rescue' the person, we loose sight of the person we want to help and what they actually need.

It appears that the automatic assumption people make is that we can make other people happy, and make other people better. Although we can have a positive impact on peoples lives, at some point this became an all encompassing and unrealistic generalisation about our responsibility towards others. Nobody can take full responsibility for another persons health and happiness. But out of love, compassion or care, we try. And if we are not careful we start acting on the automatic assumption that we can and "should" fix it.  But if we can't find a solution that works, we feel like we have failed. We hurt our own feelings by setting ourselves up for a fall! Or, if we are unwilling to accept our limitations as wife, mother, doctor, or friend, we blame the person we were trying to help for not responding in the way that we wanted. By this point we are so wrapped up in the role of fixer we have lost sight of the person we were trying to help.

It is also worth reflecting on the fact that 'to rescue' is to assume control. Someone who needs rescuing is someone who can't help themselves. Bearing this in mind, it is usually best to find a way to empower the person, rather than take away their control by assuming the responsibility for making things better.

If you recognise the 'fix-it'/rescue response in yourself or someone you know, please feel free to share your experiences in the comments section.

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