Being Supportive

What are the fundamentals of supporting and helping someone, and what are the obstacles? I strongly feel that emotional support; the "being there", is the most important aspect of being supportive because it is universally applicable, regardless of what sort of distress is being experienced. But emotional support is perhaps undervalued because you don't feel like you're doing anything to make things better. This post is a follow-on from my earlier post about the dangers of trying too hard to "fix it". Because you may well say, "how do I help, if I don't react to the impulse to fix it?"

Well, first of all you can rest assured that if it is within your power to help, you will help. There is no need to push and strive towards that point, because all that will do is stress you out. This is easier said than done, but reading this post might help.

Once you have let go of the pressure to jump to the rescue you can focus your attention on "being there" and providing emotional support if that is genuinely what you want to do. The most important thing is for the person to feel safe talking to you. Make plenty of room for whatever the person is experiencing so they can "just be", as they are, with their predicament at that moment. To create this space between you, give the person your full attention; listen attentively and compassionately; and resist the urge to interrupt with your own interpretations and personal comparisons. Try to acknowledge what is being said to demonstrate that you have heard. I can't claim to be an expert at this yet, but I am getting lots of practice!

It may also help to remember that you could be the only person with whom they can talk openly and feel heard, and the power of this should not be underestimated. It is only when a person feels heard that they feel valued, and it is only when a person feels safe, that emotional healing after (a shock or upsetting experience) can take place.

After listening to the person, the second thing to do is look for resources. Sources of information, sources of support, manageable steps that can be taken together or independently to promote a sense of wellbeing or empower them.

Where a person feels alone and overwhelmed by their predicament it is probably more effective to find something that can be embarked on together. It is important to look for resources that are going to be just right for the person and their predicament. In our desire to fix things, and in the absence of 'the right thing' we may find ourselves trying to force a square peg in a round hole!

In the comments below this post I would love it if you shared your experience of a time where you felt supported. What it was about the way the person listened, and responded that made the difference?