10 ways you can help someone with depression

Do you actively want to make a difference by 'being there', as a friend; a family member; someone who cares? If you know somebody who suffers from chronic illness of any kind, I believe this post will help you identify ways that you can show care and support.

This is a subject that is very close to my heart at the moment. My partner has been suffering with painful, debilitating symptoms for over eleven years and has become increasingly isolated. Very recently, we learnt that the normal functions of a persons nervous system can become disrupted as a result of chronic pain or depression and he has embarked on a relatively new course of treatment. The treatment works directly with the physical symptoms in his body in an effort to restore the normal operation of the nervous system. The process is emotional, nerve-wracking, uncomfortable, and unfamiliar. At times my partner feels even worse, not better. It is taking a lot of effort in his part. And what keeps coming up now, every day, is the grief and self-doubt that is a result of social isolation. All long term health problems can cause isolation and I will probably write about this another time, it is not unique. But what breaks my heart is that one person (me) is not enough to convince him that people want him to get better. His family, friends, busy with their own lives, don't know that anything is changing; don't know how bad things got, and that he needs them now because he is trying to piece his life back together - and he needs other people to think that it's worth it; that he's worth it.

My partner does suffer from depression but I feel very strongly that many of these tips below also apply to chronic illness of any sort, even if it doesn't involve depression. People who suffer chronic conditions are often made to feel bad for not getting better; they are less available to go out with their friends; and although their symptoms are a daily hinderance, they don't want to bore their friends with being honest about how they're feeling: not very well, as usual. I remember a friend saying that when a close loved one dies, people stop asking and showing they care after a while, even though it hurts forever. It is the same with chronic illness, in the first couple of weeks people will acknowledge that you're in a bad way with thoughtful acts of kindness - after a while they can start behaving like they're bored of you! Are you bored of your friend or loved one? I don't think so. Show them you care about their wellbeing by practicing your favourite tip from the list below.

Advice for Friends and Family.

1. Remember that they cannot help being affected by a depression.

• A person with depression cannot 'snap out of it' and you cannot cure it for them. It is not just sadness which can be waved off with a few kind words. It goes far deeper than that. If you are going into this with the heroic notion that you can somehow "fix" it for your friend, spouse or relative, then you need to disavow it immediately. Operating on this assumption will only frustrate you and does no one any good. Read more on my blog post: the dangers of trying to fix it...

2. Encourage him or her to talk and listen to what they are saying.

• Don't ask very general questions; you won't get a meaningful answer. As an example: Rather than asking "How are you?" ask "How are you today compared to yesterday?" or something of this kind. Make the question open-ended, so the person can say what he or she wants, but provide something specific for them to talk about.
• Don't be afraid to let them talk about whatever they want to. Even if they mention self-injury, or they are suicidal, you are not endangering them by listening. Actually, you are helping to protect them from those things; talking helps them deal with these feelings.

3. Let them know that you care about them.

• Little things go a long way for someone with clinical depression. Small gifts and favors seem much bigger to them than to you. Don't be afraid to (for example) leave the person a short note with a smiley face on it. Even if it seems silly or hokey, small considerations will help.
• Being prepared to listen and hear what they are saying, even if the persons emotions are uncomfortable for you both shows that you care.
• Some people find it very difficult to listen to people who are in so much pain, and their own emotions can get in the way of fully being able to 'be there' for the person who is depressed or in pain. If this is you, do encourage your depressed friend or relative to find someone they can talk to about their feelings, and most importantly, remember that staying away and loosing contact for weeks on end will give the impression that you don't care.

4. Help the person to feel less isolated. Depression (and long-term illness of any kind) can be a very isolating experience.

• Stay in contact with them: send a card, give them a ring, visit them in their home, send regular text messages so the person knows you are thinking of them.
• Try to get the person out. He or she will want to isolate themselves —hibernate, even— but this is exactly what should not happen. Take walks, go shopping, go to a movie, whatever you have to, to get the person out of the environment they are trying to take shelter in. You may get some resistance, and even complaints; be persistent but not unreasonable.
• At times, it may seem that the person is actually pushing you away. This is very likely true. Most depression patients believe that they unduly affect those around them and will do anything to prevent that from happening. Thus, they isolate themselves from others. This kind of self-sabotage is actually a symptom of the illness itself. Don't let it overcome your relationship. Try to understand that this is often involuntary and irrational, and act accordingly.

5. Help them to feel good about themselves by praising daily achievements.

6. Encourage the person to look after themself. People who are depressed are very harsh and critical with themselves so this is a big ask - asking them to be kind to themselves. Don't say "try not to be depressed" or imply that they can easily feel better "if they just do...". Trust the persons ability to know what is right for them and instead of prescribing what you think they should do, listen to what they are finding difficult and encourage them to think about how they can support their own wellbeing. The result may simply be that your friend or relative becomes able to avoid some of the activities that make him or her feel worse, or identify his or her 'coping strategies'.

7. Find out about support services available to them and to you (self-help groups, out of hours emergency support, helplines, etc).

8. Encourage them to visit their doctor, and ensure that they take any prescribed medication as directed. 

9. Remember that no one wants to make your life miserable by being depressed. Try not to view someone else's depression as your own affliction. Rather, be grateful that you don't have clinical depression and try to realize what the other person is going through. Don't take the things your friend, spouse or relative says/does, personally. They aren't meant that way.

10. Remember there are ups and downs in depression recovery. It is neither swift, nor steady. Your friend or relative is going to go on the decline, now and then. Don't think it's because you are failing them or they are not trying hard enough. The "roller-coaster" effect is just a part and parcel of depression.

This blog post takes excerpts from The Depression Alliance: Advice for Friends and Family section, and the article "If you know someone who is depressed" at the 'Healthy Place' website. You can click the links for the original articles.


Talking to Someone Who is Depressed 
Advice from the Depression Alliance: Original Article

DO SAY
1. You're not alone in this.
2. You are important to me.
3. Do you want a hug?
4. You are not going mad.
5. We are not on this earth to see through one another, but to see one another through.
6. When all this is over, I'll still be here, and so will you.
7. I can't really understand what you are feeling, but I can offer my compassion.
8. I'm not going to leave you or abandon you.
9. I love you (if you mean it).
10. I'm sorry that you're in so much pain. I am not going to leave you. I am going to take care of myself, so you don't need to worry that your pain might hurt me.

DON'T SAY
1. There's always someone worse off than you are.
2. No one ever said that life was fair.
3. Stop feeling sorry for yourself.
4. So, you're depressed. Aren't you always?
5. Try not to be so depressed. Snap Out of It. Man Up.
6. It's your own fault.
7. I think your depression is a way of punishing us.
8. Haven't you grown tired of all this me, me, me stuff yet?
9. Believe me, I know how you feel. I was depressed once for several days.
10. Have you tried chamomile tea?
11. Please don't tell a depression patient that "you understand."

Excerpt from the Healthy Place:
"Please don't tell a depression patient that 'you understand.' Unless you, yourself, have experienced clinical depression, you don't. And your friend, spouse or relative knows it. It's not a bad thing; since understanding depression means having it. I'd rather that no one, anywhere, understood it. The point here is to be honest with your friend or relative and don't profess things that aren't so. Sincerity will help him or her a great deal; it will engender trust, which every depression patient has a problem with, at one time or another.


Relevant Links

Depression caused by Chronic Illness

Depression is one of the most common complications of chronic illness. It is estimated that up to one-third of individuals with a serious medical condition experience symptoms of depression. Depression and illness may occur together because the physical changes associated with the illness trigger the depression or the individual has a psychological reaction to the hardships posed by the illness. The illness may affect a person's mobility and independence, and change the way a person lives, sees him or herself, and/or relates to others. For these reasons, a certain amount of despair and sadness is normal. In some cases, a chronic illness may actually cause depression . Read more in original article at Medicine.Net...


Depression and Chronic Pain

Depressed patients have three times the average risk of developing chronic pain (and visa versa). This is because depression and pain share the same brain pathways, as explained by the Harvard Health Publications website:

"The convergence of depression and pain is reflected in the circuitry of the nervous system. In the experience of pain, communication between body and brain goes both ways. Normally, the brain diverts signals of physical discomfort so that we can concentrate on the external world. When this shutoff mechanism is impaired, physical sensations, including pain, are more likely to become the center of attention. Brain pathways that handle the reception of pain signals, including the seat of emotions in the limbic region, use some of the same neurotransmitters involved in the regulation of mood, especially serotonin and norepinephrine. When regulation fails, pain is intensified along with sadness, hopelessness, and anxiety. And chronic pain, like chronic depression, can alter the functioning of the nervous system and perpetuate itself."

 4 Tips to help with Chronic Pain and Depression from the Spine Health website


Depression in people with Medically Unexplained Physical Symptoms

"Patients with medically unexplained physical symptoms have been shown repeatedly to have increased rates of depression and anxiety" (click for source)

I would argue that regardless of the nature of the patients symptoms, their experience of 'medically unexplained physical symptoms' lends itself towards depression. Add to the experience of not having a 'named condition' that sounds or feels legitimate, the difficulty these patients have in accessing the information, support, and treatment they need. I believe it is important to recognise that this is the context of the persons illness experience and that alone can toll on a persons physical and emotional health. Read more on my blog post: The Experience of Unexplained Illness here...


Other Posts in this Series:

• Being Supportive (the secret of)
• The dangers of wanting to fix it
• Don't jump to the rescue, practice being self aware

No.1 reason to always use the same pharmacy

If you are a returning customer, the pharmacy can save you from that dreaded scenario where you have run out of medication and you haven't put your repeat prescription in at the surgery in time. Forgetting your medication can be an inconvenience, or it can lead to a flat panic. If you always use the same pharmacy, help is at hand.

The pharmacy computer will store information about what you are taking, how much, and the dates when they processed a prescription for you. This means that if you run out of medication the staff can see that were due to run out and they will give you enough medication to last you the one or two days you need before the prescription from the surgery gets processed and you can pick up the rest.

This is my experience from using Superdrug pharmacies and after relying upon this system - on numerous occasions - when my partner has run out of pain-relief medication, I have today used the service myself. Consequently, I am feeling very pleased with myself for 'staying loyal'. It really pays off!

More tips to reduce the stress surrounding repeat medication.

To avoid unnecessary visits to the surgery:

• Most surgeries let you renew your prescription on-line via their website or in an email. This is excellent because you get to keep a record, and if you get confused you can check when you last placed a renewal and what it was for.
• Ask your GP surgery to send your repeat prescription directly to a pharmacy of your choice. (The pharmacy sends someone to the surgery every day to pick up them up).
• If your health is preventing you from getting to the surgery/pharmacy you can ask friends and relatives to drop-off and pick-up repeats on your behalf.
• Don't be afraid to telephone the pharmacy in advance to check whether your medication is ready to be picked up!

To find out more information about your medication:

• Don't be afraid to ask your pharmacist. Pharmacists specialise in medication. They know about side-effects, they know how different medications will interact if taken at the same time, and they have to keep up to date. You can have a quiet word over the counter - or you can even telephone from home and ask to speak to the pharmacist who will be able to give you clear, straight-forward information.

Pain as a Primary Condition not a Symptom

It is no longer appropriate or useful to put chronic pain conditions under the Medically Unexplained Physical Symptoms (MUPS) umbrella according to Neil Berry, Consultant Psychologist. In his article “Managing Medically Unexplained Symptoms: Moving beyond Somatisation” Dr Berry says:

“there is now a considerable body of research indicating that chronic pain states are the result of complex sensitisation processes within the sensory nervous system.”

Consequently, Dr Berry argues that MUPS no longer applies to non-specific low back pain, musculoskeletal pains, post-whiplash syndromes, chronic abdominal and pelvis pains, atypical facial pains, non-cardiac chest pains, and fibromyalgia — presumably because the added sensitivity of the nervous system does explain the patient's painful symptoms.

Dr Berry’s article explains that when pain becomes a long-term affliction, pain is no longer viewed as a symptom but as the primary condition to be treated and managed. Pain itself is the “diagnosic passport” which which a patient can access services. If you suffer from permanent pain, your condition may be given the label Chronic Persistent Pain Syndrome.

On the letters page in the most recent issue of Private Eye (issue 1301) Dr G.R. Harrison wrote a correction about the nature of Fibromyalgia (FMS) and I think his description is the best description of chronic pain conditions, so far:

"The disorder (FMS) is due to abnormal central nervous system processing of sensory inputs, producing what many people now describe as a "pain amplification" condition. Therefore people with FMS will feel pain at a much lesser level of sensory stimulation than normal people, hence its association with Irritable Bowel Syndrome, Irritable Blabber Syndrome, Non-Carcinogentic chest pain, etc." 

If you are diagnosed with a chronic pain condition you can reasonably expect to be referred to a multidisciplinary pain management clinic.

What are Functional Symptoms?

Doctors who recognise that “Medically Unexplained Physical Symptoms” is an unhelpful description often favour the term “functional” symptoms, which from a lay man’s point of view isn’t much better at indicating the presence of persistent, genuine suffering.

What do doctors mean by Functional Symptoms?

Professor David Peters from the New Medicine Group says that “what's been discovered in cases of chronic conditions or “long term low-wellbeing”, is that the body isn’t functioning as it ought to. For example, when people have a persistent pain syndrome, even though the brain isn't damaged, it reacts differently. In IBS the gut responds differently to stress; in CFS the muscles react differently to exertion. In all cases the organs are intact and undamaged, but they are aren’t functioning normally.” This change in the way the body is functioning explains the experience of ill health.

In the case of Functional Symptoms in Neurology:

According to Dr Jon Stone, Consultant Neurologist (Edinbrough), of neurosymptoms.org “functional implies in the broadest possible sense a problem (of the nervous system) due to a change in function of the nervous system”. He says that Functional Symptoms account for around 1/3 of all patients seen in hospital medical clinics.

According to Dr Stone: “Patients with functional symptoms are, on the criteria of distress, disability, and persistence of symptoms, as deserving as patients with a pathologically defined disease.” Dr Stone seems to be aware that these patients are not always treated with the same compassion or care.

I say this, because he opens his paper “Functional Symptoms in Neurology” with a direct warning to fellow neurologists — a warning that no patient or layman would ever get away with! He says “If you find people with ‘neurological symptoms but no disease’ tiresome and not really what you came in to the speciality for, then you are going to find larger parts of your job tiresome - and worse - you attitude will filter through in a negative way to the patients regardless of the form of words you use to talk to them.” At last! A neurologist who understands! He has even built a website to explain to patients, their friends, and family, how neurological symptoms without disease can be understood. Be sure to check out the section “All in the mind?” (The answer is no, it’s not). Go to: www.neurosymptoms.org

Well-known Functional Symptoms

Since functional symptoms often come in patterns - called syndromes - they are widely recognised and have been given names. “So people with unexplained bloating, irregular bowel habit and abdominal pain are told they have Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS); people with aching muscles in many parts of the body are said to be suffering from Fibromyalgia Syndrome (FMS); people with prolonged exhaustion are diagnosed as having Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS)”. (Source: NMG)

All these syndromes have much in common with Migraines: the experience of a migraine can debilitating, but tests and scans will not show up any evidence of the pain and discomfort the patient is suffering. A diagnosis is reached through talking to the patient, and being able to acknowledge to the patient: “Yes, I recognise these symptoms.”

Despite these similarities; despite the absence of any known cause for migraine, you will be aware that migraine is more widely accepted as a ‘real’ health complaint. I propose that migraine is easier for people to understand because you can reasonably accept the migraine sufferer to say, at some point, “I feel better now.” In this way, a migraine is less disturbing, and fits our ideas of what ill-health looks like: a migraine has a clear beginning, middle, and end.

The Experience of Undiagnosed Illness

In 2007 I came across a research paper “Living with Undiagnosed Illness: an exploratory study” by Dr Sarah Nettleton of York University, and an article in a peer reviewed academic journal - Nettleton, S. (2006) ‘I just want permission to be ill’: Towards a sociology of medically unexplained symptoms Social Science and Medicine 62 (5) 1167-78


I felt such relief at having a person of authority acknowledging the experience undiagnosed patients, so I think there may be value in sharing my discovery.


The research paper was based on 18 interviews with neurology outpatients who varied in terms of their age, gender, and the severity and duration of their undiagnosed illness. Dr Nettleton’s research identified seven themes that characterise the experience of people living without a diagnosis.


1. Uncertainty

• “No diagnosis, no prognosis” said one of Sarah’s interviewees. Patients have no idea of how their symptoms might progress: temporary or permanent? can they be treated? will they get worse?
• People with unexplained illness can have no idea how their symptoms should be managed.
• Planning day-to-day is virtually impossible (symptoms are unpredictable, and can vary hour-to-hour, day-to-day, month-to-month). Planning holidays, housing, and financial issues are especially difficult.

2. Lack of Support

• “Uncertainty is compounded by lack of information and ongoing support” (Source: Nettleton)
• Patients with unexplained illness have no access to leaflets, support groups, treatments, or advice, resulting in feelings of isolation, desperation, and feeling there is no where to turn to for help.
• Securing on-going support is usually more important to this patient group than a disease label.

3. Social/Family Relationships

• Asking for help can become difficult for anyone who feels like they are a burden already.
• The ‘centrality of the body’ in social interaction and the lack of clarity and prognosis for unexplained symptoms makes sustaining relationships, at the very least, a challenge.

4. Relationships with doctors
To address this theme in my own words:

• Doctors become the primary source of information, because without a diagnosis there is no way of accessing leaflets and other secondary sources.
• The attitude and manner of doctors is important because the doctors need to be able to reassure the patients that their symptoms are legitimate and genuine. This acknowledgement is of utmost importance to a person with unexplained symptoms.

5. Lack of credibility and legitimacy

• “Not having a legitimate diagnosis also limits legitimate access to the ‘sick role’ with all the associated rights and privileges.” (Source: Nettleton)
• “Social norms dictate that we should make efforts to get well… within this context, it is not surprising that advice from “well-meaning” friends and relatives could be a source of frustration.” People with “unexplained” illness know that if they are “not seen by others to be working at getting better, there is a risk that other people will think they are malingering.” (Source: Nettleton)
• The use of sophisticated technology and tests to locate disease in the body creates the belief that the ‘experience of illness’ is less legitimate than disease or damage that you can locate in the body with imaging technology, etc.

6. Influence on the ‘self’ and social identity

• “Although on one level the patients recognised the authenticity of their symptoms, they also found that the lack of clinical information made them question themselves”. (Source: Nettleton)
• “All the participants reported how, at some point, they had asked themselves questions such as: ‘Am I imagining it?’ ‘Am I just being lazy?’ ‘Is it something I have manifested?’" (Source: Nettleton)

7. Searching for explanations
To put it in my own words:

• Although some people can accept that they won’t get a diagnosis, it's still important to them that they can ‘make sense of’ their symptoms in some way. They need to be able to explain their symptoms to themselves, but also to friends, family, and official bodies: without an explanation some people find it difficult to access support/understanding, and others find it virtually impossible.

Patients who have not been diagnosed and continue to experience symptoms that effect their sense of wellbeing and quality of life for years, even decades, are often told that they are experiencing "Medically Unexplained Symptoms" or "Medically Unexplained Physical Symptoms". This is an umbrella term that covers a variety of conditions. Because it is vague and makes a point of saying very little, it provides little reassurance to the undiagnosed patients, and can exacerbate their fear that doctors regard their symptoms to be 'in the mind' rather than firmly rooted in medical legitimacy. 

Despite it's failings, and my reservations about its usage, the term "Medically Unexplained Symptoms" it does allow us to group these patients together, regardless of their symptom-type, and start a discussion about the impact of having an undiagnosed 'unexplained' illness, in a society that still believes, in the most part, that western medicine has all the answers. 

More in this topic:

An Introduction to Medically Unexplained Illness

Getting the best from Your Doctor

“The relationship between doctors and patients is changing. From being a very unequal relationship, doctors and patients are now trying to make healthcare a more equal partnership. This is particularly important in long term conditions where doctors do not have all of the answers.” Dr. Simon J Ellis, Consultant Neurologist

Based on the recommendations by Dr Simon J Ellis from The Neuropathy Trust, here are some tips for getting the best from your doctor:

• Have an idea of what you want out of the consultation.


• Write a list of things you want answered in order of priority.


• Take notes to help you remember the doctor’s answers to your questions.


• Bring another person along to the appointment for emotional support and also help with remembering what the doctor has said

“As a patient you are not there to make the doctor feel good but get the best care you can. The truth is, patients who push for their rights get better care than those who do not.”(Source: Dr Ellis)

• You have a right to an expert opinion.


• You have a right to seek a second opinion.


• Ask for an explanation, if you don’t know what the doctor means. “Doctors have their own language, which they often forget is not understood by the rest of humanity! … Some words have two meanings. For example, “chronic” is often taken to mean very severe or bad, but doctors usually use it to mean going on over a long period of time.” (Source: Dr Ellis)


• If you are prescribed medication make sure the risks and benefits of each drug are explained to you - “All drugs cause side effects and when you take medication you are balancing the possible risks against the benefits. This should be explained to you so you know what to expect and what to look out for.” (Source: Dr Ellis) - remember to take notes.


• Doctor’s have a limited amount of time so remember to ask how long you have got for the consultation. You can ask for a double appointment if you have a lot to discuss. Have an idea of what you want from your consultation.

“You are the expert on your own illness, no one else knows what it feels like. Secondly, often patients will have read about their condition and become experts in their field, so it’s not surprising that they know more than a generalist doctor. Some doctors find this a little disconcerting.” (Source: Dr Ellis) This is of course an understatement and Doctors need educating on this point also!

• If you are too unwell to get to the doctor, or have trouble choosing the right words, try writing a letter explaining the problem and saying what you want.


• If you only see your doctor when you are well enough to get to the appointment, remember to keep your doctor informed about what it is like at the bad times.


• It can be helpful to distinguish what you need and what you want from your doctor. You need appropriate medical treatment; you may want emotional support (which your doctor may not feel is his or her role). You may find it helpful to discuss your expectations with your doctor to see if they are realistic.


• Doctors like to make people feel better. Symptoms that do not point towards a definable cause and course of treatment are frustrating for them too. Doctors look for things they can treat, and this is why they may focus on any evidence of depression.

“There are still too many examples of arrogant and rude doctors about. Anyone can have a bad day, but in general the medical profession is trying to get better at communicating. This process is more advanced in some countries than others. The UK has lagged behind other countries, perhaps because of anachronisms like our class system.” (Source: Dr Ellis)

• Things go wrong from time to time in any relationship and patient-doctor relationships are no exception. Sharing ups and downs can make your relationship stronger and more productive. Don’t be afraid to let your doctor know if you’re unhappy - if you have a good doctor he should try to make things right.


• If trust is undermined in a patient-doctor relationship it is best to change doctors.

You are welcome to share your experiences in the comments section of what has or hasn't worked for you.

Stress Reduction: App Reviews

No. 1) Take a Break - Guided Meditations for Stress Relief
From: The Meditation Oasis
FREE for iPad and iPhone
Features: two short guided meditations for relaxation and stress relief
Optional music or nature sounds
Soothing female voice
Helpful instructions to help you get the most out of the app.

This app includes two short meditations, ideal for incorporating into your work day for optimum productivity and health. The first guided meditation is 7min long. It gives you the opportunity to stop between tasks, or break up long tasks throughout the day to acknowledge and attend to what is going on in your mind and body on a personal level. This meditation will help you let go of tension in your body and return to the day refreshed. The second guided meditation is a 13min practice designed to help you relax more deeply and release stress when you are feeling under pressure. Frequent short meditations are going to have a more lasting effect than infrequent long meditations and for this reason, this is my favourite so far. Because of their length, these short 'guided' breaks are perfect for incorporating stress reduction into your daily routine. If you are new to meditation I strongly recommend reading the instructions which will encourage you to relax your expectations and let the instructions was over you without worrying about doing it right or wrong. Although 7min doesn't sound like a long time, it is very difficult to sit still and observe your thoughts and feelings without aborting the practice to do something. With practice, 'just being' will become easier.

No. 2) Stress Check
FREE research-based stress analysis
For iPad and iPhone
by AIIR Consulting LLC
Optional stress management tools (0.69p each)
Stress Tracker: the app stores your results so you can track your stress levels over time

This app analyses your responses to a series of multi-choice questions. It is then able to determine where your stress vulnerabilities lie. You could be vulnerable to stress in four different areas of your life, control (whether or not you feel in control of yourself), situational (stressful life circumstances), interpersonal (in your relationships with other people), or physiological (when stress impacts your body). This app will be able to offer personalised recommendations for reducing stress, based on your responses and the areas where you score highly. The analysis is FREE, and there are optional add-ons for £0.69p (Guided Relaxations (4) and Office Yoga Videos). These can be added to the app as part of your commitment to stress reduction. Although people can tell whether stress is a problem for them or not, the insight offered by this FREE analysis tool allows one to take the first steps toward better stress management by identifying areas for improvement and confirming your self-diagnosis. The recommendations and don't simply promote the stress management tools by AIIR Consulting, but are genuinely helpful.

No. 3) Stress Free Lite "Be Stress Free Fast"
by A New Day Counseling Center 
FREE for iPad and iPhone
Instruction in the Emotional Freedom Technique
Step by step instructions to reduce stress
Diagrams of key meridian points to compliment the instructions

This is a hands on stress reduction technique. In 5 simple steps you can learn how to reduce your stress levels by gently tapping or applying a circular motion to key points on your face (temples, forehead etc). This is an empowering little app that allows you to adopt a technique which is traditionally employed by complimentary therapists to good effect. I have tried this technique today in combination with the Take a Break meditations (no. 1) above and spaced throughout the day they did an excellent job at reducing my stress levels. Instead of finding something else to keep me busy and blocking out the increased tension in my body and mood I was able to make space for my personal experience of mind and body, and then return to my day refreshed.

Don't jump to the rescue, practice being self aware

The reason I feel qualified to comment on this, is that the impulse to 'help' and 'fix' is something I struggle with. For me, it is an involuntary impulse, and I have learnt the hard way that it can back-fire. In learning to recognise what is going on, I have been able to make better choices about how I offer people support.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to fix a problem, or wanting rescue a person from a difficult and distressing situation. Compassion is a human quality we would all do well to practice. But we also need to let uncomfortable feelings be without pushing them away and trying to turn them into something else straight away.

According to my Mindfulness teacher we generally react to experience in one of three ways:

• with indifference - we simply switch 'channels' in our minds
• with attachment - wanting to hold on to the present or a preferred experience
• aversion - wanting to be rid of the present circumstance or to avoid impending experiences

All of these reactions can cause problems, and by becoming more aware of the thoughts, sensations, and emotions we experience in the face of events, we make it possible to free ourselves from auto-pilot so we can respond more mindfully and skilfully.

The impulse to 'rescue' or 'fix' is an aversion reaction. It is a normal, and understandable to react this way, but it's counterproductive (click here to read why).

To really help someone you need to notice your thoughts and feelings and let them be, without acting upon them automatically or letting them steal your attention away from the person you want to help. It's easier said than done, but it's never too late to start practicing.

1. Notice the impulse to fix it. 

Bring a gentle curiosity to the following questions:
When you are trying to fix it, what are your thoughts and feelings? Where is your attention? What is happening in your body? Acknowledge what you find, and let it be, as it is.

I notice my mind starts racing, I wrack my brains for something I can do to fix it. ("Do something.", "Make it better!", "How can I change this?") There is a sense of urgency, and my eyes leave the persons face as my thoughts go this way and that seeking a solution. At this point I stop giving my full attention to the person, I stop listening and responding to what is going on. I start feeling downright stressed.

2. Let go of the idea you should be able to fix this.

Only when we give ourselves permission to let go of the idea that we "have to" and "should" fix it, can we choose a response without being personally invested in the role of "fixer". 

When I notice the impulse to fix it I remind myself that I shouldn't assume that it's my responsibility to make everything better. I notice and acknowledge the pressure I am placing on myself and allow myself to let it go. My body, previously coiled to spring into action; my thoughts previously restless and seeking a solution to aim for; both relax. I stop striving for a view of how I can take this person far away from what they are experiencing here and now.


Being Supportive

When we let go of the assumption that we should be the person to make it all better, we are in a position to provide emotional support for the people who are finding life hard. You might not be able to save them from the situation, but you can at least give them some of what they need. I am not party to the specifics of your situation but there are two fundamental things that a person wants when they are having trouble, whatever the situation. These are the knowledge that someone cares, and the experience of being listened to.

Being Supportive

What are the fundamentals of supporting and helping someone, and what are the obstacles? I strongly feel that emotional support; the "being there", is the most important aspect of being supportive because it is universally applicable, regardless of what sort of distress is being experienced. But emotional support is perhaps undervalued because you don't feel like you're doing anything to make things better. This post is a follow-on from my earlier post about the dangers of trying too hard to "fix it". Because you may well say, "how do I help, if I don't react to the impulse to fix it?"

Well, first of all you can rest assured that if it is within your power to help, you will help. There is no need to push and strive towards that point, because all that will do is stress you out. This is easier said than done, but reading this post might help.

Once you have let go of the pressure to jump to the rescue you can focus your attention on "being there" and providing emotional support if that is genuinely what you want to do. The most important thing is for the person to feel safe talking to you. Make plenty of room for whatever the person is experiencing so they can "just be", as they are, with their predicament at that moment. To create this space between you, give the person your full attention; listen attentively and compassionately; and resist the urge to interrupt with your own interpretations and personal comparisons. Try to acknowledge what is being said to demonstrate that you have heard. I can't claim to be an expert at this yet, but I am getting lots of practice!

It may also help to remember that you could be the only person with whom they can talk openly and feel heard, and the power of this should not be underestimated. It is only when a person feels heard that they feel valued, and it is only when a person feels safe, that emotional healing after (a shock or upsetting experience) can take place.

After listening to the person, the second thing to do is look for resources. Sources of information, sources of support, manageable steps that can be taken together or independently to promote a sense of wellbeing or empower them.

Where a person feels alone and overwhelmed by their predicament it is probably more effective to find something that can be embarked on together. It is important to look for resources that are going to be just right for the person and their predicament. In our desire to fix things, and in the absence of 'the right thing' we may find ourselves trying to force a square peg in a round hole!

In the comments below this post I would love it if you shared your experience of a time where you felt supported. What it was about the way the person listened, and responded that made the difference?

The dangers of trying to fix it

My life experience and observations suggest that when someone is having a hard time in their life, and they tell you, the most helpful thing you can do is listen, and demonstrate you have heard what they have said.

The danger of wanting to fix it for them is that can be too hasty, we stop listening to the person we want to help and start listening to our own dialogue. By focusing on the actions we might take to 'rescue' the person, we loose sight of the person we want to help and what they actually need.

It appears that the automatic assumption people make is that we can make other people happy, and make other people better. Although we can have a positive impact on peoples lives, at some point this became an all encompassing and unrealistic generalisation about our responsibility towards others. Nobody can take full responsibility for another persons health and happiness. But out of love, compassion or care, we try. And if we are not careful we start acting on the automatic assumption that we can and "should" fix it.  But if we can't find a solution that works, we feel like we have failed. We hurt our own feelings by setting ourselves up for a fall! Or, if we are unwilling to accept our limitations as wife, mother, doctor, or friend, we blame the person we were trying to help for not responding in the way that we wanted. By this point we are so wrapped up in the role of fixer we have lost sight of the person we were trying to help.

It is also worth reflecting on the fact that 'to rescue' is to assume control. Someone who needs rescuing is someone who can't help themselves. Bearing this in mind, it is usually best to find a way to empower the person, rather than take away their control by assuming the responsibility for making things better.

If you recognise the 'fix-it'/rescue response in yourself or someone you know, please feel free to share your experiences in the comments section.

Related Posts:

Don't Jump to the Rescue, Practice Being Self Aware
Being Supportive

Maintaining Strength and Wellbeing

There is an essential human-ness in all of us that means we are fluid, never static, our needs shifting all the time depending on the seasons of our feelings, energy levels, etc. To ignore our needs (be they more sleep, a walk, a coffee with a friend) is to forget to nourish ourselves; it's a failure to replenish the resources and energy we need to feel strong, alert, and alive enough to be (every day) how we want to be in ourselves, and our dealings with others.

I am a carer, business woman, mother, and a wife (among other things). They are not 'who I am' but the roles I play on a daily basis. What happens to my ability to fulfil those roles if I neglect to pay attention to my physical and emotional wellbeing?

There is a great misconception in our society; that is the idea that looking after ourselves is a selfish thing to do. Somehow, this creates a situation where a lot of people don't look after themselves at all.

It was the year 2009 when I took steps to access support through the Princes Royal Trust for Carers. My motivation was the happiness of others. I knew that my chronically ill partner felt like more of a burden if I ended the day completely shattered, I knew that I had less energy for my sons than I wanted to have. It was only when I was in the middle of the process of caring for myself that I realised how important and powerful looking after oneself could be, and started doing it for myself. For my own sense of sanity, wellbeing, and contentment.

It's amazing how much more you can do, if you look after yourself. Not permanently of course, (all bursts of energy come to an end), but I can carry so much more weight on my shoulders without my feeling of okay-ness getting squashed. It is not selfish to look after yourself, it enables you to be there for others and yourself, and begin to flourish.

Throughout the 'life' of this blog I hope to share my observations and experiences, my tips and tricks, recommendations and reflections on the subject of 'self-care'. It is an on-going personal challenge for me, and something I wrestle with on a daily basis: remembering to take time for my own needs so I don't crash and burn. On this journey of caring for others, and learning to care for myself, I am certainly learning what works, and what the challenges are. Please feel free to comment and contribute your thoughts and experiences with the topics I cover.

Book Review: "Alternative Medicine? A History"

I can't recommend this book enough. It contains a wealth of historical facts and references, and will take you on a wonderful journey through multiple medical systems. It focuses on the periods in history where representatives and consumers of different medical systems come into contact and exchange information (by no means a one way communication).

The book is written by Roberta Bivins without bias, and explodes the traditional western world view that western medicine is long established with unique and absolute knowledge about the body in sickness and health. In doing so it frees us to think about medicine in a new, unbiased way. That freedom is a valuable gift with the power to change the way we think about our bodies, health and wellbeing, and the way that we access therapies and treatments in future.

Relevant Links:
The book at Amazon.co.uk (with "Look Inside" option)

Guardian Review
Academic Review from The New England Journal of Medicine