Don't jump to the rescue, practice being self aware

The reason I feel qualified to comment on this, is that the impulse to 'help' and 'fix' is something I struggle with. For me, it is an involuntary impulse, and I have learnt the hard way that it can back-fire. In learning to recognise what is going on, I have been able to make better choices about how I offer people support.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to fix a problem, or wanting rescue a person from a difficult and distressing situation. Compassion is a human quality we would all do well to practice. But we also need to let uncomfortable feelings be without pushing them away and trying to turn them into something else straight away.

According to my Mindfulness teacher we generally react to experience in one of three ways:

• with indifference - we simply switch 'channels' in our minds
• with attachment - wanting to hold on to the present or a preferred experience
• aversion - wanting to be rid of the present circumstance or to avoid impending experiences

All of these reactions can cause problems, and by becoming more aware of the thoughts, sensations, and emotions we experience in the face of events, we make it possible to free ourselves from auto-pilot so we can respond more mindfully and skilfully.

The impulse to 'rescue' or 'fix' is an aversion reaction. It is a normal, and understandable to react this way, but it's counterproductive (click here to read why).

To really help someone you need to notice your thoughts and feelings and let them be, without acting upon them automatically or letting them steal your attention away from the person you want to help. It's easier said than done, but it's never too late to start practicing.

1. Notice the impulse to fix it. 

Bring a gentle curiosity to the following questions:
When you are trying to fix it, what are your thoughts and feelings? Where is your attention? What is happening in your body? Acknowledge what you find, and let it be, as it is.

I notice my mind starts racing, I wrack my brains for something I can do to fix it. ("Do something.", "Make it better!", "How can I change this?") There is a sense of urgency, and my eyes leave the persons face as my thoughts go this way and that seeking a solution. At this point I stop giving my full attention to the person, I stop listening and responding to what is going on. I start feeling downright stressed.

2. Let go of the idea you should be able to fix this.

Only when we give ourselves permission to let go of the idea that we "have to" and "should" fix it, can we choose a response without being personally invested in the role of "fixer". 

When I notice the impulse to fix it I remind myself that I shouldn't assume that it's my responsibility to make everything better. I notice and acknowledge the pressure I am placing on myself and allow myself to let it go. My body, previously coiled to spring into action; my thoughts previously restless and seeking a solution to aim for; both relax. I stop striving for a view of how I can take this person far away from what they are experiencing here and now.


Being Supportive

When we let go of the assumption that we should be the person to make it all better, we are in a position to provide emotional support for the people who are finding life hard. You might not be able to save them from the situation, but you can at least give them some of what they need. I am not party to the specifics of your situation but there are two fundamental things that a person wants when they are having trouble, whatever the situation. These are the knowledge that someone cares, and the experience of being listened to.

Being Supportive

What are the fundamentals of supporting and helping someone, and what are the obstacles? I strongly feel that emotional support; the "being there", is the most important aspect of being supportive because it is universally applicable, regardless of what sort of distress is being experienced. But emotional support is perhaps undervalued because you don't feel like you're doing anything to make things better. This post is a follow-on from my earlier post about the dangers of trying too hard to "fix it". Because you may well say, "how do I help, if I don't react to the impulse to fix it?"

Well, first of all you can rest assured that if it is within your power to help, you will help. There is no need to push and strive towards that point, because all that will do is stress you out. This is easier said than done, but reading this post might help.

Once you have let go of the pressure to jump to the rescue you can focus your attention on "being there" and providing emotional support if that is genuinely what you want to do. The most important thing is for the person to feel safe talking to you. Make plenty of room for whatever the person is experiencing so they can "just be", as they are, with their predicament at that moment. To create this space between you, give the person your full attention; listen attentively and compassionately; and resist the urge to interrupt with your own interpretations and personal comparisons. Try to acknowledge what is being said to demonstrate that you have heard. I can't claim to be an expert at this yet, but I am getting lots of practice!

It may also help to remember that you could be the only person with whom they can talk openly and feel heard, and the power of this should not be underestimated. It is only when a person feels heard that they feel valued, and it is only when a person feels safe, that emotional healing after (a shock or upsetting experience) can take place.

After listening to the person, the second thing to do is look for resources. Sources of information, sources of support, manageable steps that can be taken together or independently to promote a sense of wellbeing or empower them.

Where a person feels alone and overwhelmed by their predicament it is probably more effective to find something that can be embarked on together. It is important to look for resources that are going to be just right for the person and their predicament. In our desire to fix things, and in the absence of 'the right thing' we may find ourselves trying to force a square peg in a round hole!

In the comments below this post I would love it if you shared your experience of a time where you felt supported. What it was about the way the person listened, and responded that made the difference?