Don't jump to the rescue, practice being self aware

The reason I feel qualified to comment on this, is that the impulse to 'help' and 'fix' is something I struggle with. For me, it is an involuntary impulse, and I have learnt the hard way that it can back-fire. In learning to recognise what is going on, I have been able to make better choices about how I offer people support.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to fix a problem, or wanting rescue a person from a difficult and distressing situation. Compassion is a human quality we would all do well to practice. But we also need to let uncomfortable feelings be without pushing them away and trying to turn them into something else straight away.

According to my Mindfulness teacher we generally react to experience in one of three ways:

• with indifference - we simply switch 'channels' in our minds
• with attachment - wanting to hold on to the present or a preferred experience
• aversion - wanting to be rid of the present circumstance or to avoid impending experiences

All of these reactions can cause problems, and by becoming more aware of the thoughts, sensations, and emotions we experience in the face of events, we make it possible to free ourselves from auto-pilot so we can respond more mindfully and skilfully.

The impulse to 'rescue' or 'fix' is an aversion reaction. It is a normal, and understandable to react this way, but it's counterproductive (click here to read why).

To really help someone you need to notice your thoughts and feelings and let them be, without acting upon them automatically or letting them steal your attention away from the person you want to help. It's easier said than done, but it's never too late to start practicing.

1. Notice the impulse to fix it. 

Bring a gentle curiosity to the following questions:
When you are trying to fix it, what are your thoughts and feelings? Where is your attention? What is happening in your body? Acknowledge what you find, and let it be, as it is.

I notice my mind starts racing, I wrack my brains for something I can do to fix it. ("Do something.", "Make it better!", "How can I change this?") There is a sense of urgency, and my eyes leave the persons face as my thoughts go this way and that seeking a solution. At this point I stop giving my full attention to the person, I stop listening and responding to what is going on. I start feeling downright stressed.

2. Let go of the idea you should be able to fix this.

Only when we give ourselves permission to let go of the idea that we "have to" and "should" fix it, can we choose a response without being personally invested in the role of "fixer". 

When I notice the impulse to fix it I remind myself that I shouldn't assume that it's my responsibility to make everything better. I notice and acknowledge the pressure I am placing on myself and allow myself to let it go. My body, previously coiled to spring into action; my thoughts previously restless and seeking a solution to aim for; both relax. I stop striving for a view of how I can take this person far away from what they are experiencing here and now.


Being Supportive

When we let go of the assumption that we should be the person to make it all better, we are in a position to provide emotional support for the people who are finding life hard. You might not be able to save them from the situation, but you can at least give them some of what they need. I am not party to the specifics of your situation but there are two fundamental things that a person wants when they are having trouble, whatever the situation. These are the knowledge that someone cares, and the experience of being listened to.